Relationships are
like gardens; they can be thriving with lots of flowers, or overrun
with weeds. Marriages, like gardens, need tending for them to
prosper. Ten ways to cultivate your intimate relationship are:
1. Be open to
change. Change is
something that can not be avoided. Learn to embrace it by focusing
on "what is" rather than on "what should be".
2. Learn to
listen. Real listening is
based on intention. If your intention is on getting your needs met,
then you are not doing real listening but pseudo listening.
3. Be open to new
ways of being together.
Consider doing different activities as a couple as a way to add zest
to your relationship.
4. Take care of
yourself. The ability to
love another person is based on how well you care for your self.
5. Be grateful,
each day, for one thing about your companion.
Accent the positive rather than the
negative. Your relationship will thrive.
6. Be generous.
Difficulties arise when the focus is exclusively on what is wrong in
the relationship. Remember your spouse, like you, is doing their
best.
7. Ask for
support. Your spouse is
not a mind reader. Let your spouse know how you want to be
supported.
8. Risk being
vulnerable. Be willing to
let your spouse know how you feel rather than pretend or avoid your
feelings.
9. Make time for
each other. Scheduling
time together, on a weekly basis, will alleviate stress in your
marriage.
10. Learn to
respond to each other rather than react.
Reacting is an impulsive act. While it may provide immediate relief,
it will often have long-term negative consequences.
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7 Ground Rules for Conflict Resolution
in Marriage
There is no such thing as a conflict
free relationship in or out of marriage. Some people have the
mistaken belief that if they are happily married there should be no
arguing, fighting, or conflict of any kind if they really
loved each other. Of course, that is a formula for disaster. The
word argument comes from the Latin arguere, to make clear.
Is that not what each partner’s intention is, to make clear his or
her position? Listed below are guidelines to assist you in making
yourself clear without making matters worse.
1.
Identify
the problem situation and make an appointment with
your spouse to discuss it.
2.
Limit the discussion to only the issue
that is adversely affecting your relationship right now. Do
not talk about other issues or bring up past behaviors that you
believe strengthens your case. Agree to take a time out if
responses on either part become punitive in nature. If either party
calls a time out, the other will agree rather than “push back”.
3.
Invite your spouse to talk without
interruption and request the same courtesy for yourself.
4.
Start your discussion by stating
three things your spouse has done right. Then tell your spouse
the behavior that has created a problem for you.
5.
Avoid your
spouse’s vulnerabilities or emotional sensitivities. This
means no hitting below the belt.
6.
Talk with each other from a position of
mutual respect. Your discussion should include:
a. My
feelings and needs,
b. Your
feelings and needs,
c. The
reality factors in the situation.
7.
Remind yourself and your spouse that
the goal of the discussion is resolution and it is an
opportunity to create a better situation for both of you. Engage
your spouse in a discussion of creative solutions and
alternatives that would meet both of your needs.
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Transactional Analysis Book
Recommendations:
Born to Win by Muriel James
Scripts People Live by Claude Steiner
Suffering is Optional: The Myth
of the Innocent Bystander by Morris L. Haimowitz and Natalie R.
Haimowitz
TA Today: A New Introduction to
Transactional Analysis by Ian Stewart and Vann Joines
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DBT
Book Recommendations:
Specifically for
Borderline Personality
Disorder: The first three books are non-technical whereas
Dr. Linehan's (developer of DBT) is written from the perspective of
a psychologist, researcher.
Lost in the Mirror by Richard
Moskosvitz, MD
I Hate You, Don't Leave Me by Jerold
J. Kreisman and Hal Straus
Stop Walking on Eggshells by Randi
Kreger and James Paul Shirley
Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of
Borderline Personality Disorder by Marsha Linehan
Mindfulness Book
Recommendations: (Any books by Thich Nhat Hanh or Jon
Kabat-Zin are excellent. Both authors have written several
books on the subject of Mindfulness.
The Miracle of Mindfulness by Thich
Nhat Hanh
Wherever You Go There You Are by Jon
Kabat-Zinn
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